Website Recommendation #1

So I thought I might start a little series on websites or books I would recommend as a mom/parent. I know that this blog (RBAV) isn't meant to be an all-knowing site, just a place to find associations with other parents. But it can be used as a valid resource for actually FINDING the best information you could use for raising a kids.

My first recommendation is for 2 sister websites:

www.parentcenter.com

www.babycenter.com

I think I found these sites when I was pregnant with Abbie. I was deathly afraid that I wasn't fully equipped to be a mom so I sought out all sorts of sites and books to defend myself against the unknown. When you enter the ParentCenter site it will ask you all sorts of questions like how old your kids are, if your pregnant, do you want weekly emails filled with helpful information, etc. As the scared mom-to-be I whole heartedly filled it all out and signed up for the weekly emails. I am SO GLAD I did. Starting with the first week I was send growth status updates  called "My Baby This Week" emails about where Abbie should be in each stage.

This is the first one I got:
Hello, Stacie! 
Welcome home! Right now, your new baby won't be doing much besides nursing every two to three hours and sleeping off and on around the clock. You may be feeling a little shell-shocked. That's normal — and it's your cue to take it easy. Your main job right now is to tend to your post-delivery aches and pains, learn how to breastfeed, and shower your baby with love. Concentrate on those basics, and when your baby drifts off to sleep try to grab a catnap yourself — the laundry can wait.

Learn more about your newborn's development. 

Or as she got older they read like this:

Hello, Stacie!    (Your 5 month-old this week)  
Your baby's ability to interact with his surroundings, you, and other people grows daily. For instance, he may start playing little games as he begins to understand cause and effect and the results of simple actions. He may drop objects just to watch you pick them up, or he may throw something to see where it lands. Get used to it — games like this will only amuse him more as time goes on. Don't tell him "no" — he doesn't understand the word, and he needs to experiment and explore. But it may help to praise him when he does something a little less frustrating for you.
And:


Your Little Storyteller        (Your 3 year-old This Week)
By reading books and making up stories for your child, you've been priming the pump for storytelling. A 3-year-old may tell stories to you, his friends, his teddy bear, or himself as he walks, plays, or lies in bed. These stories can be disjointed mishmashes of some of the stories he's heard from you. Whatever their source or form, you should encourage tale-spinning. It's a sign that there's some real thinking going on in there. 


I still get them even now that she is 4 1/2 years old. I keep them in their own separate email file so I can refer back to them for future children. Yes, sometimes Abbie was/is farther along or a little behind than what the emails are about but it is a nice gage for what my child's learning or developing process should be. 


 Then, every so often, I get extra emails that links to their sister site BabyCenter where they have all sorts of information. They've given great advice on how to deal with bullies or picky eaters, when to enroll her in pre-schools and what to look for in preschools or how to handle nightmares.  Fun tips for holiday food, games, crafts, etc. and easy ways to manage your time. On the site you can participate in other mom blogs and opinion pages as well as look up answers to questions you have and much more. 


I REALLY love these 2 sites and look to them often as a resource on many topics concerning my kids. I highly recommend them to any parent.


If you have a book or website you'd like to recommend please leave a comment or email me and I'll make sure it get's it's own special feature!

Cleaning And Organizing In Many Ways

By SALLY!


My mom was Right....

When I was a little girl my mom taught me and my sisters that before we did something fun, we should do the things we NEED to do. It wasn't much, but we always worked on the house in the morning (picked up our rooms, made our beds, laundry, etc) and then we did the fun stuff in the afternoon. That was alright, but I use to dread summers because my mom always had extra chores (gardening, organizing, spring cleaning, etc) for us to do above our regular cleaning jobs, but we always did it and in the end we'd have a lot of fun. Looking back at all that work I've realized my mom was teaching us the importance that having a house of order means our lives can be in order too. If my house is clean and in order (as much as it can be with two kids) then my life seems to be a little more organized as well. If my house becomes super messy and disorganized, it makes me, my husband, and my girls a little stressed. 

 

Let me share an experience with you that I had this summer. We decided to let my husband's half-sister come and live with us. When she first moved in I tried to show her how we do things at my house. I'm not the cleanest person in the world, but I have daily chores I do around the house (pick up toys, do the dishes, pick up dirty clothes, ect) and I have weekly chores I do (sweep, mop, vacuum, laundry, deep cleaning, ect.) During the summer, I got all of us outside to pull weeds, mow, water the lawn, take care of Ike-the dog and more. I was trying to teach my girls (and the added 18yr old) the importance of taking time to take care for our home.

As I was trying to teach my sister-in-law the simplicity of having a clean home means an organized life I noticed that this had never been taught to her before. Her room and bathroom were EXTREMELY messy. Not just messy, but disgusting. Dirty and clean clothes mixed together on the floor, food all over (floor, bed, trash), used feminine hygiene products all over the bathroom floor, garbage overflowing in the garbage can, and much more. Her life seemed to resemble these rooms; sloppy, disorganized, and careless. Unfortunately, she couldn't hold much together and was constantly unhappy. Her room overwhelmed her, and it was apparent that her life did as well. Sadly, now matter what I did to help her out, she unfortunately moved out of our house not taking this valuable lesson with her.

But, in my own life, whenever I feel overwhelmed like this, I think about the small stuff I can take care of first; in my house and in my life. I take one room at a time and put everything back in its proper place. Just like in my life, I take the mistakes I've made and try to tackle one first (yes, there are many, but I'm trying...).

So... as we try to tackle our life, here are some good ways to tackle our home, too. My mom taught me pretty well, so I'm just gonna pass these on.

1. DON'T get overwhelmed with the mess! As I said before, take one room at a time. For a week, take a room and COMPLETELY clean it top to bottom. Sweep, dust, vacuum, put things away. There is nothing wrong with making your kids help. Have them help with the major rooms (living room, family room, kitchen) and their rooms. Help them to take pride in what's theirs.

2.Assign your kids...or yourself and your hubby weekly cleaning jobs. While growing up every Friday we each had one room we were responsible for. If I was responsible for the bathroom, then I had to scrub the toilet/bathtub, wash the mirror, mop the floor, empty the garbage. Have each person take a major room. One day a week... and the house is spotless.

3. The five minute rule. After you get your house in order, try taking five minutes...that's right- just five minutes... before lunch, dinner, and bedtime to get everyone in the family to help pick up toys, clothes, shoes, ect that is out of place. That way, it does not get overwhelming at the end of the day.

4. Tackle laundry and dishes the best way you know how. Whether its to assign children chores of sorting through laundry, or someone to empty the dishwasher.... let everyone help out. (My three year old loves to help me empty the dishwasher. My five year old loves to get the clothes out of the dryer.)

Really, I'm only writting this to help remind myself why I keep a house of order. So much of life gets crazy for us and our home should be a place of refuge from the craziness. It should be a place to remind ourselves of what we are striving for. I hope this helps you find the energy and inspiration to not just organize and clean your house, but organize your life as well.

And now that I have written this, I have go get some cleaning done!

______________________________________________________________________________________________

A Note From Stacie:

One day I was watching Jon & Kate Plus 8 and Kate mentioned that she sweeps/mops (swiffers) her kitchen/dining area 3 times a day. It hit me that if she could do that 3 times a day with all the craziness going on, I could at least do it once a say. 

Once I started to implement that, I realized I could organize so many other things in my life. I actually made a cleaning schedule for myself; sweeping everyday once and then mop on Saturdays. Laundry everyday but Mondays were whites, Tuesdays were reds/pinks, Wednesdays were darks, etc. Once I started doing that it seemed easier to fold the laundry right out of the dryer instead of a huge pile at the end of the week. Then I added  cleaning the bathrooms and vacuuming to my schedule and it just grew and grew. But, what I found out was that if I took the time each day to do all the cleaning and orgainizing I scheduled for myself it actually didn't take very long. Then I had the afternoon and evenings to spend with my family and do the things I've been wanting to get done like, scrapbooking, journaling, blog writing, etc. 

Now, the schedule has kind of gone out the window, but the effort and drive is still there. It really does just take one small move to make a big change.

And Then There Was ONE (But, Hopefully Not For Long!!!)

By Stacie

Part 4 of Motherhood is NOT a Competitive Sport was unfortunately, Stephanie's last partnership post for Raised By a Village. She's decided to part ways and focus more on her own writing and interests. I totally respect her for making the hard choice to leave and I hope she feels free to maybe submit writings and comments in the future. I know I will always value her thoughts, tips, and help with parenting.

But the parting of ways has reignited a hope and idea I had for this blog. In my very first post on Raised By a Village I wrote:

Kids aren't just raised and taught by their parents. Aunts, uncles, grandparents, family friends, teachers, books, articles, etc. all have a hand in helping each of us raise our kids. Anytime I need help with an issue I look it up on the internet, I call a friend, I talk to my sister and from there I create the best solution for my family. In turn, friends and family turn to me for advice as well. Even hearing fun stories and situations from others helps me to understand that I am not alone in this world and with what I experience as a mom, wife, woman, friend which comforts me in a way I will never be able to explain. I hope this site will be a place, a forum, for other mothers, wives and friends to find comfort and information that will come in handy in their own lives. This way we are all helping each other out and in a way creating a village of hope, love, fun, and hospitality of our own!


 What inspired me to start this blog was a situation about a year ago where I was feeling very down and depressed. I didn't feel like I was being a good mom, the greatest wife, or friend and I just didn't feel useful. At my lowest point, (8pm and a LARGE bowl of cookie's and cream ice cream) I called my sister. The moment she picked up the phone I started to cry. For the next 15 minutes she patiently listened to me sloppily blabber on about all the horrible, self loathing, inadequacies I dramatically felt about myself as a mom and wife. When I was finished, she spent 30 minutes inspiringly talking WITH me about ways I could change my outlook, gave me tips of what she found worked for her, and told me she's had the same feelings and thoughts at times. In a 45 minute conversation my sister changed my life and helped me grow as a mother, wife, and person. I went from feeling completely alone in my problems, to realizing everyone feels inadequate in their rolls as parents. 


I went from viewing my sister as a domestic goddess to seeing her as a hardworking mom that went through (goes through) all the same things I did or do. And it felt great! Knowing I wasn't alone and that all that she makes look easy was a struggle for her too.  I went to sleep that night so happy and excited for the next day and for what I could do differently.  After that experience the inspiration for the blog arose. A place where women, mothers, friends, weren't alone and to find inspiration, tips, help, stories to help them in all the many rolls they lead. 


So, after sharing all of that, I am now asking all of you to be my new partners! I pledge that I will do my best to post something new every week, but in return I open it up to all of you to feel free to share with the rest of us:


Helpful tips  
Recipes
Stories
Product Reviews
Opinions
Feelings
Holiday Family Ideas
Cheap Craft Suggestions
etc....


What you'll be seeing from me soon:
Motherhood and Working
A potty training method that I absolutely LOVE
Small moments with my kids that make me smile and be happy to be a mom
CD's about improving communication within your marriage
How I'm helping my daughter learn her ABC's
Asking advice on various situations 
etc....


I hope that this might inspire you to want to share something with the rest of us! 


Some rules with submissions: Please avoid political or religious opinion pieces. I think we can all help and inspire each other no matter our personal religious and political beliefs. And I welcome opinions and soapboxes, I've used this blog for mine, but please be careful and know that I have the right to edit or not post at all if I feel a post is too offensive. But I welcome anything and everything that will enrich us all!


If you are interested and feel like you have something to share please leave a comment saying you'd like to write something or email me at raisedbyavillage@gmail.com and we will discuss further what you'd like to write about.


To start you all off a friend has already volunteered a piece she has been working on and that will be posted soon. 


Oh, and don't be surprised if you get a call or email from me asking you to write something!

Motherhood is Not a Competitive Sport, Part 4 (The Last One!)

By Stephanie

The Only Opinion that Matters

Like any stay-at-home mom, I live at my place of employment. I do not clock out at 5pm.  Even after my kids go to bed at 8:30, 8:47, 9:08, 9:23 and finally stay there at 9:45, I am not finished.  My husband and I have a carefully negotiated process for deciding who gets up when one of our twins (not our toddler, mind you, it’s the four-year-olds!) wake up with a bad dream or needing another blanket.  It involves calculating who needs to get up earlier, who went to bed later, and is finally decided by who’s better at faking sleep.

The duties never get put on hold, and they never end. I don’t get a yearly performance review. I have no supervisor.  I do have a business partner, but we decided some time ago that I would trust him to do his best at producing an income and he would trust that I’m doing my best at managing the household.

 How, then do I decide if I’m doing a good job?  Nobody else has my kids.  No one else works with the constraints of my microscopic kitchen. I’m relatively certain no other woman knows what it’s like to be married to my husband and how much time needs to be invested in our marriage to keep it happy. I’m on my own here.

Every day I set goals: things I absolutely have to do, things I should probably do, and things that even in my wildest fantasy I won’t do, but I like to pretend there’s still a possibility.  And at the end of the day I judge myself according to the number of items checked off.

I’ve gone through endless cycles of being too hard on myself, then deciding I don’t care because I have a bunch of little kids and everybody (including myself) is just going to have to understand, okay? Right now I’m (of necessity) taking care of the “have to’s,” then my physical health… and then the day is over and it’s time to go to bed.

The one thing I’m not doing, because I have learned the hard way that it only leads to more frustration, is compare myself to other mothers.  I will always find other moms who cook better meals, or have a better chore system, or a cleaner house. If I can learn something useful from what they do I’ll try it, but often their circumstances are sufficiently different from mine that their methods won’t work for me. That’s okay.

I have learned, from necessity, to judge for myself whether or not I could be doing better.  That judgment is based on hard-won knowledge of me and my capabilities, not comparisons, and not what anyone else tells me. Snotty comments and idle gossip occasionally threaten to distract me, but the older I get, the easier it is to ignore them. (And avoid the perpetrators – and thankfully, there are not many in my acquaintance.)

I am a woman of faith who believes a loving Heavenly Father cares even more than I do about my children. I pray every day to do a good job, and it has been my experience that if I listen carefully, He will tell me what He thinks.  Generally speaking, I get nothing but encouragement from that direction.  The few times I’ve been given some heavenly guidance, it has come gently.

My husband is another source of constant support. Whenever I get discouraged or feel like I’m failing, he reassures me that I’m a good mom and he knows I’m doing my best.

The only person who can derail this train, then, is me.

This is my last post for Raised by a Village, and if anything I’ve written here has meaning for anyone, I hope it’s this: We mothers have an incredibly important job to do, and we need to learn to gather all the information we can, and then trust our instincts when we need to make a decision.

 I am the expert when it comes to my kids. I know what works in my house and what doesn’t. 

My opinion is the one that matters here. The only one that matters.

Motherhood is Not a Competitive Sport, Part 3

By Stephanie

A  Humble Suggestion

Moms need supportive friendships with other moms, as I discussed in Part I.  We don’t want to be judged or criticize for falling short of somebody else’s expectations, as I decreed in Part 2.

That’s all well and good.  How, then, do we find women with whom we can have those cozy mentorships?  Whom do we pick?  How are we to be found worthy by other mothers of such trust?

Other than the obvious things like smile, make eye contact, bathe frequently, and ask  questions, I have one key suggestion on how to foster good relationships: don’t gossip.

Yup, that’s it. Don’t talk bad about other mothers (or anybody, really, in your acquaintance) behind their backs. I’m all for sharing happy news, “Jen is pregnant!” “Jack and Jillian are building a house,” or even sad news if it’s just news, “Little Ernie is sick,”  “Bert lost his job,” but not the judgy, can-you-believe-they’re-so-stupid kind of information.

Why? Well, maybe it’s just me, but when I hear someone gossiping, I think two things.  First, I know this person is judgmental.  Critical. Not in the habit of cutting slack.  Second, as I am a person who needs some compassion and understanding on a regular basis, I know that this person is eventually going to talk smack about me when I’m not around.  I don’t feel safe being that person’s friend.

Conversely, if I’m with someone who is always gracious and protective of others’ reputations, I know that this is someone I can trust.  I can tell them my woes, my struggles, and I can be myself around them and know my name is safe with them. This is a lovely, strong foundation for a really great friendship.

Please understand that I don’t think all gossips are evil.  (Maybe some, but not most.) I think they’ve fallen into the trap of thinking everyone does it, they’ve found that it’s a cheap way to feel instantly better about themselves, and they find it entertaining.  Well, it isfun. However, like so many amusing but naughty things, it has negative consequences that (in my opinion) outweigh anything we might gain.

I don’t think gossip generally harms the subject of said tittle-tattle much. Most gossipers are smarter than that, and most people listening aren’t going to run to the victim and say, “Guess what I heard about you?”

I also don’t know what to tell you about when we hear someone start to share the latest scandal we don’t want to hear.  Change the subject?  Say something good about the person in question?  Stick our fingers in our ears and say, “I can’t hear you I can’t hear you?’

I only know what I’ve seen and experienced.  They way to secure, meaningful friendships with other women is to demonstrate that we can be trusted.  That we are kind and have a gentle heart.  Motherhood is hard.  It is so very, very hard.  As women we can do so much to make it easier for each other, to give each other courage, to calm fears and bolster spirits.  First, though, we have to demonstrate that we’re all in this together, cheering each other on – not tearing each other down.

 

Part 2 of Motherhood Is NOT A Competitive Sport

By Stephanie

I have more kids than I can handle.  I know that. Anyone who spends more than ten minutes with me knows it, too.  As my sister said after vacationing with me and the girls for five days this summer, “You don’t make this look easy.”

Since I don’t plan to give any of my kids away, though, I’m going to have to tough it out for a few years until my littles become bigs and my bigs go to college. The rest of the world is just going to have to be patient until then.

Every so often I am unfortunate enough to come across someone judgmental (and vocal). Somebody who sees me in all my glaring imperfection and thinks it might be helpful, or satisfying, to point out that my house is generally a mess.  Or that Hallie’s shirt clashes wildly with her pants, which doesn’t really go with any of her six hair bows. Once in a blue moon somebody even hints that I, ahem, have not lost the baby weight gained in my last three pregnancies.

Really, Einstein? I hadn’t noticed.

I am also not completely oblivious to the fact that my twins cry too much, in any public place they please, and that it’s annoying. And you’re right, my kids have too many toys.  Or was that too few?

Moms don’t get report cards. On any given day our kids melt our hearts, give us hope for their brilliant futures, and make us want to strangle them. This parenthood business is one big hail mary pass, a wild hope that if we throw everything good we are and that we have at our kids, they’ll turn out okay.  And we won’t know if it worked until after they’re out of our homes.

The temptation, then, is to compare ourselves against other mothers. Sometimes that’s useful and we get fresh solutions for our dilemmas.  Other times, though, we feel terribly inferior - some moms are amazingly good at this business.  Here and there, we find some poor woman who’s clearly getting it all wrong, or at least part of it. She feeds her kids fast food several times a week. Her (five-year-old) daughter dresses like a hooker.  Her son is a juvenile delinquent in training. She yells too much, or disciplines too little.

So – should we tell her? We could try to disguise the criticism, phrase it as a question, “Oh.  Do your kids feel okay with the 2,846 calories for a dinner they get from a happy meal?” (I made that number up.) “Do you plan to insist on modesty once your daughter is a teenager?”

Once, in a playgroup full of nice but uber-competitive moms, I was told sweetly, “Your baby is so tiny! It must be nice to have one who’s so small for her age.” This was a group of women who announced after every well-child visit that their kid was in the 90^thpercentile for height, weight, and head circumference! (So was Kira, by the way. I thought the competition was stupid and never announced that my child was big, too.) Off topic: it was really satisfying to hear this woman’s husband telling somebody at church that his baby was 50^th percentile for weight and 25^th for height.  “She’s a short little sucker!” he said.

Sometimes a parent does something that’s so egregious that we wonder if it’s our duty to say something. My opinion is that if the child’s safety is at stake, it’s okay, even necessary.  I’m not talking about a mom who lets her child walk the two blocks to the bus stop or ride in the front seat of the car at age 11 instead of waiting until 12. (Because I do those things.)

Sadly, the parents who really need to be told to do something differently are often still doing the best they can. My brother has a friend who is a single mom with a five-year-old daughter. This woman has an unending string of live-in boyfriends whom she lets babysit her child. She’s given her child beer on at least one occasion. She feeds her daughter nothing but junk food.  This little girl has no bed time, no consistent discipline, and frankly, not a whole lot of hope for a bright future.

This mom loves her daughter. As hard as it is for me to wrap my head around, she’s doing her very best. I’ve never met her, but I would like to think if I had the chance I would be compassionate, encouraging and helpful.  And if I got sufficiently concerned, I would call the Department of Family Services. I hope this woman gets it together, and I applaud her for giving her daughter a better childhood than her drug-addicted parents gave her, but the kid still comes first. For now, she’s doing the best she knows how.

That’s the kicker – for all the lousy parenting going on out there, it’s often the best the parent can manage.  Should more people hold off on having kids, maybe forever?  Should more people limit the number of children they have or space them out more? Probably, but that same criticism could be made of me, and I would answer that I made the decisions that were right for me and my family, and if it doesn’t look perfect to somebody else, that’s their problem.

Comments criticizing parenting decisions are almost never helpful. Most moms who care about how they’re raising their children are already painfully aware of their shortcomings. The ones who don’t care? Well, it’s not going to do much good there, either.

So this is my suggestion: that we all (mostly) save our breath when it comes to fixing each other’s parenting styles. We’ve all thought about how to raise our kids until our brains hurt, and we’re all passionate about the methods we’ve chosen. It’s as hard for me as it is for anybody to bite my tongue when I see somebody doing something I think is a mistake, but bite it I shall. Really, I’m gonna try.

And for all of you who think I kind of suck at this motherhood thing? You bite your tongues, too.

Please.

Fear and Safety

By Stacie

I guess I've been inspired by the news this week because I have another story I would like to focus on.

A couple of weeks ago in Sandy, Utah,  a 4 year-old girl and her mother were shopping in a local store where after wandering away from her mother the little girl was lured into the mens bathroom by a convicted child molester who committed unspeakable acts upon this girl. It took just moments to irretrievably damage this young girl and her family.

Luckily, the molester was caught in the act by the child's mother and as he tried to run away customers tackled him and held him till police arrived. This story has been reported on every step of the way since the incident which means that almost every night since, while watching the news, fear for my own child is instilled in me again and again. (A link to this story)

My own daughter is 4 years old and lately every time we leave the house this unfortunate story runs through my head. Abbie is a very friendly and energetic child which is wonderful but could get her into a lot of trouble. Even though I tell her to not talk to strangers I still think she's too friendly to heed my warnings.

One day after I watched an update on the news about the story, I tried reviewing with Abbie what she should do if a stranger approached her. I've always told her that if a stranger tried talking to her without mom or dad around she should scream and run. But I thought I'd test different scenarios with her.

Me: "Abbie, what if a man wanted you to help him find his puppy? Should you help him or run away?"
Abbie: "I should help him."
Me: "No, He's a stranger. If he needs help he can ask another adult. What should you do?"
Abbie: "Run and find."
Me: "And make as much noise as you can. Now, if a lady in the store wanted to show you something in the toy isle do you go with her?"
Abbie: "No, I yell for you and run."
Me: "Good job, yes."

This went on for a while with a warning to stay next to me while we are shopping and I thought that she understood but the next day while shopping in Walmart, she wandered off. I yelled for her and when she  popped out from behind a rack I thumbed her down in the cart and decided that scaring her would be the only way to keep her safe. I told her that if she wandered away from me, there are bad people out there that would not hesitate to grab her and take her home with them and hurt her.  I told her that I loved her and I want her to go home with me and asked her if she wanted to go home with bad people of with me, and she said, of course, me and I warned her to stay close then.

I feel bad scaring her like that and I didn't want to it to come to that but I didn't know what else to do. What am I suppose to do?

I've thought about testing her in a "scenario" and asking a stranger to talk to her while I watch her reaction from around the corner, but is that going to far? How do I keep her safe and keep the fear from seeping into every part of our lives? Is there really an answer to all of this because the world is not becoming safer, it's becoming scarier. It's vastly changed even since I was a kid and parents can't let their kids do the same things that I got to do as a kid. But how do we find that balance? Keep our kids safe and keep the fear at bay? Any suggestions or ways to calm fears?