Motherhood is Not a Competitive Sport, Part 3

By Stephanie

A  Humble Suggestion

Moms need supportive friendships with other moms, as I discussed in Part I.  We don’t want to be judged or criticize for falling short of somebody else’s expectations, as I decreed in Part 2.

That’s all well and good.  How, then, do we find women with whom we can have those cozy mentorships?  Whom do we pick?  How are we to be found worthy by other mothers of such trust?

Other than the obvious things like smile, make eye contact, bathe frequently, and ask  questions, I have one key suggestion on how to foster good relationships: don’t gossip.

Yup, that’s it. Don’t talk bad about other mothers (or anybody, really, in your acquaintance) behind their backs. I’m all for sharing happy news, “Jen is pregnant!” “Jack and Jillian are building a house,” or even sad news if it’s just news, “Little Ernie is sick,”  “Bert lost his job,” but not the judgy, can-you-believe-they’re-so-stupid kind of information.

Why? Well, maybe it’s just me, but when I hear someone gossiping, I think two things.  First, I know this person is judgmental.  Critical. Not in the habit of cutting slack.  Second, as I am a person who needs some compassion and understanding on a regular basis, I know that this person is eventually going to talk smack about me when I’m not around.  I don’t feel safe being that person’s friend.

Conversely, if I’m with someone who is always gracious and protective of others’ reputations, I know that this is someone I can trust.  I can tell them my woes, my struggles, and I can be myself around them and know my name is safe with them. This is a lovely, strong foundation for a really great friendship.

Please understand that I don’t think all gossips are evil.  (Maybe some, but not most.) I think they’ve fallen into the trap of thinking everyone does it, they’ve found that it’s a cheap way to feel instantly better about themselves, and they find it entertaining.  Well, it isfun. However, like so many amusing but naughty things, it has negative consequences that (in my opinion) outweigh anything we might gain.

I don’t think gossip generally harms the subject of said tittle-tattle much. Most gossipers are smarter than that, and most people listening aren’t going to run to the victim and say, “Guess what I heard about you?”

I also don’t know what to tell you about when we hear someone start to share the latest scandal we don’t want to hear.  Change the subject?  Say something good about the person in question?  Stick our fingers in our ears and say, “I can’t hear you I can’t hear you?’

I only know what I’ve seen and experienced.  They way to secure, meaningful friendships with other women is to demonstrate that we can be trusted.  That we are kind and have a gentle heart.  Motherhood is hard.  It is so very, very hard.  As women we can do so much to make it easier for each other, to give each other courage, to calm fears and bolster spirits.  First, though, we have to demonstrate that we’re all in this together, cheering each other on – not tearing each other down.